Thursday, March 27, 2014

Being on the Wrong Side of History

Fellow Republicans, it is time to say congratulations to the many, many same sex couples all over Michigan who have won at least a short moment of equal access to the liberties and justice afforded to all the other adults citizens of our state.

Let us be gracious now, at least in this late stage in the game, drop the pretense and stop delaying the inevitable. There is no doubt we have written off an entire block of people from voting GOP for the foreseeable future. We deserve that. The world has changed, everyone knows it. Making people wait for their fundamental rights to live a life as they choose is just mean spirited. 

Ironically enough, it is just about the ten year anniversary of the one vote I took in the Michigan legislature that haunts me the most. The one I cannot come to terms with. Every excuse I make in my head is washed away by my conscience. Others took a principled stand and I thought they were nuts. I took the easy road. They went the other way and paid dearly.  

It was just about this time ten years ago we voted in the Michigan House on the question of whether to put the question of whether marriage should be between one man and one woman in Michigan's Constitution.

Let's take a moment to pause for some context. If you were to do a thorough research job of this issue you would find at this time in 2004- ONE jurisdiction (a county in New Mexico) in the entire country had issued a same-sex marriage license. This issue was barely a blip on the radar screen on the overall political debate. It was not an imminent threat to the economically savaged people of Michigan.  Try to remember the 1990' you remember even talking about this issue? But....

There was a big problem for Republicans-what people DID want to talk about was not good..Iraq and a stalled economy. 

George W. Bush had to be re-elected, Republicans had to win. We needed an issue. This apparently was the issue. 2004 may turn out to be the most expensive election for Republicans over the long haul we have ever had. It sure did not pay out dividends. It feels like we bought a mobile home on a 30 year payment plan with 50% interest. 

Campaign strategists loved the demographics of the issue. Working class Catholics would turn out and they will vote for Bush....religious fundamentalist would be fired up...and on and on...

At the House of Representatives, some people thought this was THE issue to take out some vulnerable Democrats. A Constitutional Amendment would require a 2/3 vote, the pressure would be strong on members of the Democratic minority to not give those those precious decisive votes. 

Looking back now, one of the things that bothers me the most about the whole episode was how dehumanizing it was. It was just politics. But it wasn't politics..these were people. 

We singled out a whole group of people, most of whom just wanted to be left alone, to forcefully discriminate against them for short term political benefit. 

All around us were our friends, COLLEAGUES, family members, highly valued staff members and people we care about who this clearly was going to hurt. Nobody seemed to think a thing of it. Like most people, including my constituents, I wasn't comfortable with same-sex marriage at that point but I didn't even bother to throw out a "hey we shouldn't be doing this" or "look what we are doing to the people we care about". 

The vote failed. The supporters had to go spend some money to gather the signatures. Of course, those signatures were used as a database for later campaigns. A few of my Republican colleagues, Lorence Wenke and Leon Drolet paid enormously for their courage in voting no. While they finished their 6 year runs, it was with much more effort than the rest of us. One Democrat, Jennifer Elkins, lost and theoretically this may have been the deciding factor...but there were also a lot of other factors.

Oh....and the exit polls in Michigan showed those Catholics showed up and voted against Gay Marriage and then they voted.....for John Kerry. 

My own particular purgatory is to be forever doomed to be on the wrong side of history. Ever since I can remember I have voraciously read history. Churchill in the wilderness years with his scrappy friends trying to rouse support to fight Hitler before the war. Lincoln, Daniel Webster, John Quincy Adams, Charles Sumner and so many more who fought slavery, even before it was popular. The founders meeting in secret and drawing up the plans for our country, while facing seemingly insurmountable odds. Reagan and Barry Goldwater always looking for the principled stand for the long term over the expedient. 

You always picture yourself cast in a role with them. Not on the other side. In my small window of making an impact, I failed to put the things I learned from reading those books to use on an important issue.  

There are a lot of us in the GOP who think we get a free pass because we aren't one of THOSE people... you know.....the kind that mouthed off about it like Rick Santorum.... I just voted to put it on the ballot. This is common discussion when you get Republicans in private. It takes two seconds to realize the error in this logic, however much comfort it gives.

When we are quiet, everyone assumes that we are in 100% agreement. That creates the juggernaut that gives the "mouthy" ones the power to do the harm. Whether we are mouthy or not, the harm is still done. There are no free passes. 

Would I put anything on the ballot? Of course not. I wouldn't have voted to put a minimum wage increase on the ballot. I wouldn't have voted to ban hunting on the ballot. On and on. 

There can be no doubt at this point, same sex couples will have their rights recognized. It is only a matter of time. 

Let's do the grown-up thing and help heal the wounds we created. At the very least, let's get the heck out of the way. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

Top Secret Moderate Republican Preserve Exposed!

Security is tight but Republicus infiltrated

SKOWHEGAN, MAINE-Fearing an entire species would be extinct in a matter of months, the federal government has moved rapidly to establish a protected preserve where they hope the remaining few might have a chance to survive.

The species are commonly known as Moderate Republicans (McCanus-Doleopus) and at one time were known to flourish in regions, especially the New England area. The speed and rapidity of the decline in their numbers has shocked the political science world, who have clamored for specimens to be saved so that future generation may be able to study the species.

The George Herbert Walker Bush Preserve is a federally protected area tightly guarded by armed guards. As this game is highly prized among some hunters, the security is deemed necessary. Ted Nugent, Chuck Norris and contingent of heavily armed legislators were recently caught attempting to bypass security in a Humvee.

It was at great risk that we are able to bring you, the reader, inside the protected world of the Bush Preserve.

Passers-by are told that it is a project to monitor the mating habits of moose in order to discourage further interest.

When you get passed the miles upon miles of land mines, booby traps, thick and nearly impenetrable brush, you will come upon a very pleasant little town.

My first encounter was with a lively group of young men playing touch football. They were such gentlemen, it really was a treat to watch. So polite. I really thought how they negotiated a tie with their opponents showed good sportsmanship. Here you can see my favorites, The Blue Blazers who played their perennial rivals, The Camel Hairs.
The Blue Blazers 0-0-12 on the season
I worked my way into the town center. There was buzz coming from a mill building so I entered that first. It was here that I met Archibald Quincy Johnston IV or as he prefers "Skippy".                                   

"When we were brought here, it was thought important that we learn a trade and not become know as Republicans and all we didn't just want to live off the government!!!" chortled Skippy. "We took a vote and whittled it down to making tweed. So here I am, and that's what I do...always loved tweed, want to be buried in it."

"Skippy" works the tweed machine
Tweed is everywhere at the Bush Preserve. Tweed Week is celebrated once a month. They are really, really into tweed.

Across the room, Skippy's daughter-in-law works her magic at a special skill- making elbow patches for sport coats. Maddy Thurston Johnston is one of just five women who are still of child bearing age on the preserve. This status makes her a highly valued and treasured member of the tribe.

"I love my life here. I feel safe and love all the attention. We are finally getting caught up and will soon get to a point where we will no longer need the daily emergency supply drops from Brooks Brothers to keep everyone in good condition," says Maddy.

Breeding McCainus Doleopus is a priority so Maddy's husband, Skipper, has had to be open to sharing his wife in the interest of preserving the species. In exchange for a well aged scotch, he has reportedly been a "good sport" about the whole situation.

In the distance, the sounds of cranes and saws can be heard at what I am told is going to be the James A. Baker III Institute for the Greater Use of Tweed in Everyday Life. There is some hope it may be a miracle alternative fuel source.

I follow the gentle stylings of Mantovani into a charming white building with all the trappings of, a country club. had to be said. I found a lovely group of ladies who invite me to sit with them. They were playing a card game that I do not know. It required the usage of Hoyle's 1942 occasionally when tempers flared.

Mildred Stafford (center) rules with a firm, no nonsense style that the ladies have come to rely on
It is clear from the beginning who the dominate force is among this group of lovely older ladies, Mildred "Millie" Stafford of the Vermont Staffords. Her brother Robert Stafford had served in the United States Senate as had his father before him as had his father before him. A Stafford signed the Declaration of Independence. Stafford shoes provide jobs for many Vermonters to this day.

"Huh, Tea Party!, they wouldn't even know what good tea is!!!", says Millie "They wouldn't know a Darjeeling from an Earl Grey if it bit em in the ass. They stomp in and take away what has been ours for generations without so much as a thank you, vulgar, ungrateful, smelly grunting pi..."

Agnes Sunderson tries to interrupt. It is met with "Shut your trap, Agnes!"

It is at this point that I am given the bigger picture. Millie Stafford has lived a life intertwined with the Republican Party, the "establishment" wing of it. She dated "Georgie" (H.W.) Bush on weekends back before the war, until that "floosie" Babs came along and stole him. Millie could have been first lady.

"You know I had sex with Thomas E. Dewey on a bet" she proudly shares. "Nobody thought I had the guts or that he had any blood in his veins. His lovemaking was like his campaigns, lackluster and far short of the finish line." The red faced ladies giggle away behind their napkins.

Millie went to D.C. to be an aide to her father Sen. Robert Stafford, Sr. (R-VT). It was heady times for the young girl. She also got to meet her idol, Dwight D. Eisenhower. "Oh, Ike. (She straightens up in her seat) That man was really special. A once in a lifetime kinda guy. Truly great."
Millie's on the left. Note you can't see Ike's hand.

Millie's admiration for President Ike grew to be a little bit of an embarrassment for the White House. She did get to spend an unusual amount of time with the commander in chief for a 21 year old girl. All that is known to history was there was a night of torrential screaming from Mamie, a call logged to Sen. Stafford in the middle of the night and Millie left on a train the next morning.

As for Millie she will say nothing. It is clear however, that even at 89 she LIKES Ike still.

To make a long story short, Millie Stafford labored away, decade after decade for the Republican cause and was known as the uncontested "grand dame" of the Vermont GOP. Between her gifts and the fundraisers she has thrown in the decades since the 1960's, she has easily brought $50 million if not more to the cause.

It hasn't always been easy. For one thing, during that time Vermont went from solid Republican to a bastion of socialism. Her friend Jimmy Jeffords, who she personally bankrolled, just up and left the party. The phone calls were a nightmare from that debacle. She considered taking out a hit on him.

Last year, at 88 years old she was set to pass on the baton. She is tired. The setting was the Vermont Federation of Republican Women. Millie was to receive a special lifetime service award to be named after her. She would then give some brief remarks summing up her wisdom for the crowd, wrapping up things nicely with a bow.

Things did not work out that way. As the ladies settled into their seats eyeing some delightful watercress sandwiches, there was a rumble at the back of the room. They were there-in huge numbers. In t-shirts and flag skirts, sweatpants and blue jeans-the women of the Vermont Freedom Warriors were making quite a stir in the Burlington Hyatt Regency.

Things Get Intense
The agenda had the annual election of officers as its main business. Every year since the VFRW was founded the next officer moved up to the next position. It was sacrosanct not to do so. The Freedom Warriors could care less. Each paid the minimum $10 fee to join. Someone made a motion to make their leader chair and that was that. They could also care less about giving Millie Stafford an award. All the "establishment" crowd could do is gather up their things and quietly exit the room. As she explains it, all the ladies who had similar experiences had the same thousand yard stare, a shell shocked look.

I realized this was a good time to take my leave of them. As I went out the door into the exercise yard it was increasing clear the struggle the species has for survival. For the average age of the specimens had to be at least 65. Don't get me wrong, I love straw boaters and seersucker as much as the next guy but in order to survive the McCainus Doleopolus must reproduce.

A tap on the shoulder, cold steel on my wrist..dammit...I am caught!

His name is Park Ranger Smith and he is not amused. We head back to his log cabin office.

"You know, you are the first one to get through," says Smith. "A lot of people are gunning for these folks, a RINO mount will fetch a hell of a lot of money in a certain market. Dick Lugar alone brought $2 million in 2012. I am glad you aren't here to hurt anyone but you put all these people at risk by clearing a way in. I'm afraid you are in a lot of trouble."

I asked him if he could fill me in a little bit about how the project got going.

"Well as I understand it, two things triggered this project-the two big hopes for the species' future were in peril. That Scott Brown guy lost his race in Massachusetts and Mark Kirk had a life threatening stroke. Some Senator wrote in the funding in a pig subsidy bill and this is funded permanently." explained Smith.
Forest Ranger Smith

"You have to understand they didn't act fast enough to save the Liberal Republicans (Rockerfellus Republicanus) and the species is essentially extinct. You may see one in his late 80's speak at a Democratic Convention or on some retrospective of the Nixon Administration on C-Span but that's it..they're gone. Young political scientists cannot study them, cannot dissect them, look at their DNA, " Smith grew more passionate.

I saw an opening and I took it.

"Here is the problem as I see it, Ranger Smith. You have almost no young people here. The chances to reproduce a sustainable future species are small. You have a population out there that: a) doesn't know about this place and b)could help provide that gene pool. I can solve that problem. I can spread the word. I can tell the world about the good work you are doing here." and just like that, the improbable movie ending occurred, he let me go with all my film and a "good day to you sir!"

Anyone interested in joining the George H.W. Bush Preserve should contact Forest Ranger Smith directly.

Buy Bush Tweed. If you are interested in participating in the underground railway system to the preserve, please contact your nearest country club.

God Bless America.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sad Orange Man Victim of Mental Abuse, Shares His Story

"John'"  Just Before Capitol Police Intervened and Took Him to a Safe House

To protect the victim from reprisals and to protect his identity, the name "John" has been used. 

John's Story

Looking back I can see that the troubles began when we all agreed to share a house. I was so excited, these were my best pals and no doubt we were going to have a blast. I could not have been more wrong. 

I think the incident that started the whole sad chain of events was the day we were all moving into the house. There was one room that was much nicer and spacious with excellent views of some of the great landmarks of D.C. Of course everyone wanted the room so we did what so many people do in those situations, we put our names in a hat. 

You can imagine my excitement when my name came out of that hat. Not only was a going to be rooming with my best buds, I was also getting a sweet new room all to myself. 
Eric and I in happier times. He liked my silly faces.

What I didn't know at the time was that Eric really badly wanted that room for himself. Actually, I think it was more than want...I can see now, to him, it became a burning inner need. If only he had told me then, I would have worked something out with him. It certainly wasn't worth messing up our new house karma. 

Eric has always been the "ringleader". The others certainly had a lot of fun and laughs at my expense, but it was Eric who always pushed them for more, more, more. Probably without noticing it, Eric, one of my best pals, began to feel the need to degrade me and establish his dominance. As I have learned, this is a sure sign of an emotional abuser. 

I made a mistake later that night when we were all drinking Rolling Rocks. I told them about a funny story in my past and without knowing it revealed a huge opportunity for cruelty. When I was in high school, my date and I joined a group going to Benihana's Japanese Steakhouse before the prom. That's such a cool place and the gang really enjoyed it. 

What I learned that night to my incredible embarrassment, is that I am extremely allergic to shellfish. Just a few shrimp and scallops in my Ultimate Samurai Meal Deal dinner were about to make me have quite a night. 

When we got to the prom, people began looking at me funny, some of the girls giggled. I'm a fun guy so I figured they were happy to see me. Giggles eventually turned uncontrollable laughter and I wanted in on the joke. Finally, my best bro Steve clued me in.,...

"Dude you look like a fucking oompla loompa!" 
Halloween rocked

After I saw myself in the mirror, I freaked. Date over. I went straight to Urgent Care. 

It turns out I have a rare condition called Tropicana Tangus. It's hereditary and can't be cured. Don't worry it isn't dangerous....physically anyway. My allergic reaction to the shellfish caused a startling change in my skin pigment to a shocking bright orange. Careful food selections cured me within days.

For the rest of high school I was teased. They'd call me "Sunny D" and "Creamsicle" and "Nacho Nerd". I didn't get mad. It was funny and there was no denying it. 

So I shared this story with my pals in the house that night for laughs. I have not recovered from the consequences yet.

I don't know if Eric or Michelle decided it would be fun to start sneaking shellfish into my food, but their stunt quickly got results. 
Tropicana Tangus on a bad day

I'm an easy going dude. I thought it was a little bit of locker room towel snapping-a prank. That prank never ended. How they found ways to sneak shellfish into everything is beyond me....for a while all I ate was Pop Tarts. 

Michelle and Eric loved to play a little game called "Dead Eyes" with me or rather on me. They could just stare at me for an eternity with the most horrifying vacant and menacing eyes. I don't think they even needed to blink. It was freakin' me out and it showed. 

Dead eyes isn't a game anymore. It has become a subtle, effective tool to send me a message...they are pissed and I better fix things fast or there will be hell to pay. I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin...but nothing comes close to the savagery of dead eyes. 

Take it from me....if a dead eyes person comes into your life, get out ASAP. It is a sure sign that person is rotting from the inside out, a person literally devoid of compassion. 

Things got steadily worse as they would team up and find new ways to mess with my head. A favorite tactic was the push-me-pull-you game. This included threatening to withdraw their friendships, dropping statements out of the blue intended to knock me off my game. They'd threaten to move out unless I started making them happy.

Michelle is particularly good at the back handed compliment. One example: "John, everyone keeps telling me how much you suck and are worthless. They're wrong, I think you are great." 

Insecurity and uncertainty are what weakens you slowly, until, without noticing it, you are a different person. You life revolves around making them happy. Everything that goes wrong is your fault. If you just tried harder, everyone would be happy....

Eric caught in one of his dead eyes moments
When I got fed up, Michelle and Eric would flip in an instant into the best friends in the world. They'd buy me gifts and take me out for a night on the town. 

Eric bought this fantastic tie for me that I just loved. After a while I was wearing it everyday, not just because it has a kick-ass design but also because it represented Eric's friendship. He knew I loved that he decided to destroy it. One day as I was walking in the house I saw that tie in shreds all over the floor. I looked up dazed and Eric said, "You don't value or care about anything I give you...I'm never getting you anything nice again."

He said if I had hung the tie up it wouldn't have got caught in the shredder he was using. I felt so bad I apologized profusely and did all his chores for him to make up for it. 

The main weapon in the cruelty arsenal was the "set up to fail". This was brilliant because they would tell how only I could get the job done and they needed me. They built me up, made me feel worthy. Just when I got fired up they would hike the expectations a bit. They would then up the demands dramatically and get immense pleasure watching me fail. The whole point was to get me to believe, totally buy in, set hugely unreasonable goals and then just sit back to enjoy my misery. 
Michelle would eat all my food for fun

I'd ask for help, they responded I was so good that only I could do the work. This has a double benefit for them, they loved to talk all over town about what incompetent fool I am and point to my failures. People piled on. 

I kept telling myself, I just need to do a better job, work harder-want to succeed and it will all come together. When I do, it will blow every one's minds and they will see how awesome I am. Just a little bit farther, a little bit more...always the finish moved just out of reach. 

People say to me, "John" why didn't get you outside help? Michelle's buddy Sarah came and stayed with us for a while. She is the kind of fun, totally irresponsible person that can be a blast to be around. We became real close and I was ready to confide in her. When I tried to she laughed her ass off. 

Sarah just looked the other way
"John you are such a loser. I only hang out with you because you don't have any friends. That and because I find it hilarious to watch you fumble through your day.  You need get your own shit together, not my problem"

Sarah took off not longer after that. It is pretty clear to me now she only came into town to watch me suffer...some people find that very amusing. 

Another time, my neighbor Mitch caught me all too frequent event in my life. We had a good talk and he really seemed to sympathize. I thought here is a guy who understands, who will stand up for me and make people listen. He was happy to share my woes on the back porch but he said he had way too many problems of his own to tackle someone else's. After that, Mitch ignored the crying and would whistle loudly so he could pretend he didn't hear it. 
You can hear me Mitch, I know

Well here I am pouring this all out so hopefully no one will ever walk into the same traps I have. 

It was Eric that brought an end to things. He gathered a group of people and unleashed a verbal torrent on me like nothing I have ever experienced. I am still numb.

But here is Eric's Achilles heel-he doesn't know when to stop, when it is too much. He let the curtain fall in a public setting. His buddy Ted piled on the hurt.

As I stood there balling my eyes out, slowly some people stopped laughing and starting to feel bad. They stood up for me and told him to back off. When he didn't, a huge pushing and shoving match ensued that the Capital Police came to break up. Then they took me to this safe place. 

I'm just a simple guy, who wanted to be with some friends and do some cool stuff. Now I am wondering after so many doses of shellfish if the orange will ever go away. I've learned a lot and feel relieved to have this over. As the counselors said, it is up to me to break the cycle of abuse.  

My message to you...if Eric wants the damn room-let him have it. 

Keep it classy....."John"

Monday, October 7, 2013

Style and Trends - "Rand Perm" Sweeping the Nation

Hello ladies, Doctor Paul will see you now

Senator Rand Paul's look is inspiring a new trend across the nation 

 Some see new "Kentucky Chic" styling as a ploy to attract Paul's voters

Everywhere you look in Washington these days you see the latest craze in political circles. The Paul Perm. Glistening with hair gel and looking carefree, not only do politicos feel more conservative but elegant and sophisticated.

McConnell says he thought of it first
Some see the new trend as also coinciding with an increase number of Republican elected officials nervous about primary challenges from the right. 

"No matter what these guys do it is never enough to feed their base," said Carl Gamewood, Director of Fashion and Public Policy at the Reason Foundation. "They know they can't keep the right happy on the issues so they are trying a new tactic...looking the part"

Bruised from both the right and left, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is facing a tough re-election next year. As he prepares for a difficult primary election, McConnell is looking for new ways to refresh his 'brand' with the right. Some claim that McConnell was the first to come up with the strategy of adopting the "Rand Perm". 

His office responded to requests for interviews with the following statement:

Senator McConnell is not following but leading on the hairstyle. As senior senator from Kentucky, the Senator has seniority and the traditions of the Senate would be that the hairstyle be named after him. The style formerly known as the "Rand Perm" is to now be called "The Mitch" in all matters coming before the Senate and the Republican Conference. 

Here in Michigan, the popularity of the new 'do is catching on as well. Lansing Republicans assailed from their conservative supporters throughout the state are reeling after a tough vote on Medicaid Expansion. It was shortly after that vote that the "Rand Perm" was seen on the first of many legislators. 

Majority Leader and Fashionista Randy Richardville
Senate Majority Leader Randy Richardville (R-Monroe) was the first big player to adopt it andit has caught fire throughout the halls of state government. 

Republicus has obtained this inter-caucus memo sent out shortly after the Medicaid vote:

"Whether you are getting hammered from the right or if you just want to up your sex appeal, the Rand Perm is the way to go. The majority leader's office suggests you go to the Nu You Hair Studio in Holt. Ask for Kandi or April and let them know Randy sent you. They will know just what to do and give a significant discount. Hair product and curlers will be made available in the Caucus Room thanks to a generous donation from Kelley Cawthorne."

It is not completely clear if this new attempt to appease the right will work. Test polling and focus groups are ongoing according to sources. 

AG Schuette will be well prepared for convention
Attorney General Bill Schuette was the first statewide elected official to don the new 'do. Schuette, while widely expected to be renominated at the 2014 GOP State Convention, always stays on top of the political game. Sources say this new look is part of a longer term strategy for another run. 

One thing is for sure, the Rand Perm is not going away soon. It probably won't even reach the Upper Pennisula for another two years. 

Sources say that the cut is having a remarkable effect on these men. No doubt it contributes to a more playful and young vibe in GOP circles. Others also comment how it reminds many of their college "glory years"

Whether in Lansing, DC or just heading out to the party meeting at legion hall, this style will have you looking your best and send a message about your political philosophy. 

Republicus....totally nonessential. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Man Takes Atlas Shrugged Seriously, Killed in 30 Seconds

Ayn Rand Was Not "Giving" in the Sack

Phoenix, AZ-Tragedy struck at a busy intersection in downtown Phoenix when a work of fictional literature was mistaken for a serious life philosophy. 

19 year Carl Gamewood, Jr. of nearby Gilbert, AZ was in line waiting for the bus while reading the popular novel "Atlas Shrugged", written by author Ayn Rand. The book is well known as vehicle for her "objectivist" belief system, that a person should be motivated primarily by self interest and that governments should not interfere with laissez-faire capitalism.

An elderly lady at the front of the line was struggling to enter the bus and receiving assistance from other people waiting in line. Gamewood became agitated and kept looking at his watch. It is likely he was concerned that he was going to be late for the dinner rush at Fuddruckers and lose out on the tips he would earn waiting tables. 

"Howard Roark wouldn't put up this crap! This lady should wait until the market designs a bus better for her needs!" cried Gamewood as he rushed to the front of the line. 

According to witnesses, Gamewood then attempted to pull the elderly woman out of line when an angry man confronted him. 

"What the Hell you think your doing?"

"Who is John Galt?"

"Are you out of your mind...."

At this point Gamewood apparently either purposely or accidentally knocked the elderly woman down to the ground causing an uproar among the gathered crowd. As they begin gathering and pushing he was heard to say.....

Insert Hood Ornament at Head
"No you don't understand, this is about living without compro-------"

At this point Gamewood had stumbled backwards into the busy street and had just barely turned his head when the soft pulpy mass of his cranium met with the unmistakably perfect strength of an American Eagle hood ornament made of Rearden Steel. He was impaled to the car's hood in a ironic crouching stance not unlike the figure on the well known cover. 

Police and emergency crews were quickly on scene and apprehended the individuals involved. Later in the day, all charges were dropped as the evidence clearly pointed to a "reasonable homicide."

Demon Rand 
The day did not end on an altogether sour note for Carl Gamewood, Jr. He was originally disappointed to find himself entering through the famous "Abandon All Hope Ye That Enter Here" gates. However, the departed shade Gamewood was excited to be greeted by none other than the demon Ayn Rand herself who not only paid his fare across the River Styx but also personally accompanied him. 

Rand was heard to joke "There is no waiting for this ride!" which caused wicked laughter all around. Gamewood was reportedly very excited by this unexpected treat and only commented that he wished that the unbaptised babies wouldn't scream so loud. 

The Demon succubus Ayn Rand makes it a point to treat those who die in her service with a special welcome. 

Demon Rand escorts Gamewood into "Special Circles"

Photos Courtesy of the Hell Press Office. All Rights Reserved. 

This article is dedicated to all the real Pudistas of the world. Keep kicking ass. 

Republicus. News for Expansionist Republicans. 

Patriotic Americans Begin U.S. Highway Boycott

Evidence Mounting Eisenhower Was Sent By Alien World Jealous of Our Freedoms

Respect for the U.S. Constitution begins at home. The Constitution only provides for the creation of Post Offices and Post Roads. Big government politicians have slowly tempted us away from the true beliefs of the founding fathers with "convenience" and "connecting with civilization". If we are to save our country, let us reject this big government pork barrel spending spree based upon illegal taxation and show our neighbors what true patriotism is all about. Eisenhower created this interstate system for the sole purpose of making us demand more and more federal government in our lives. The truth about him will soon be known. 

The resolution above has been distributed and adopted by hundreds if not thousands of patriotic organization throughout the nation. It is widely expected that by rush hour tomorrow morning the true impact of this statement will be seen as traffic will only be heavy in socialist dominated areas. 

J. C. Calhoun of the Greensboro Americans Demand Freedom organization drafted the resolution and circulated it through chat rooms, facebook and Wal Mart entrances. The response has been overwhelming. 

Calhoun, "You got to trust the sense of the American people. They know when they are being led down a primrose path to the demon harlot called Lady Federalist! We shall act strongly to protect our rights. No compromise. Whatever the cost. This is about Honor and Principle!"
J.C. Calhoun

Calhoun encouraged his compatriots to stop paying federal gas taxes as "illegal wanton abuses" of the power of taxation and because they will no longer be using the highways. 

An exception has been made for members only in the case of driving to and from a post office if absolutely necessary. When in doubt they should check with their regional Freedom Coordinator. 

Just another drive in to the office at Federal Mogul for this Patriot
Americans should not be shocked to see vehicles using their lawns or other open land spaces that were once part of the "federal reserve" to travel to and from their places of employment. Some homes have been unfortunately placed in the direct way of old cattle paths. Be sure to wave at these patriots and thank them for standing up for their principles. If you wave please remember to use all fingers as sometimes these gestures are misunderstood. 

Republicus. News for Expansionist Republicans.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Republican Party Rift Solved, You're Welcome

After considerable analysis, our team has cracked the code. We have come to the root of the antagonism of some hard right activists and traditional Republicans. We have also prescribed an easy solution. Your welcome, not that you even said it....gosh.

The whole thing comes down a little bit of silly confusion really. What these folks were really looking for is called a "club" not a political party. This is a place you can go to feel safe, to share your views with people who agree with you, to discipline members who don't follow your rules, in short where you can create the whole world just as you want it. There is no need for compromise or the realities of the real world. The club is where you go to escape these downers.

Now club fights for officers positions can be pretty nasty (note the Lions Club massacres of '89) but that's just part of the fun. You are free to dress up like founding fathers and read from the Constitution and talk about what ifs all you want. You can bring back pre-civil war policies for debate....have a is all yours! This club....your for one can take it from you. No one can sell you out in the club or turn their back on you. There is no need for compromise in the club. Trust me you will be so very happy in your very own club.

Republicus proposes that we immediately charter the official Michigan Republican Club and hand over the keys immediately. We wish them well.

Somehow, I can only guess by mistake, they stumbled up on what is called a "political party". Now ever since these parties have existed they have done pretty much the same thing-built coalitions around a broad philosophical or common interest to win elections. This is so they can Govern. They really aren't about hanging out with each other for the sake of agreeing all the time.

When these "political parties" cease to build these coalitions they always do the same thing....they collapse. There are many illuminating books about party called the Whigs and also about the old Democratic party before the Civil War....check your local bookmobile.

They then become what is called "minor parties" or spoilers. Now why do that to a perfectly good party? One that a lot of people love and worked all their lives for? That the two party system in this country relies on? That doesn't seem very patriotic? ....ahem....sorry...I digress.

So good luck with the club. I am sorry for all the confusion. Once again the Republican Committee on Definitions has let us down. (seriously who is on this thing....Saul, is that you? I want some answers)

Peace be with you.

Republicus. News for Expansionist Republicans.